Miscellany Blag

I.

My father told me a cool… aphorism? It’s certainly not a joke, but falls short of a koan.

The Irishman and the Monkey Wrench

There once was an Irishman who had a leaky pipe. He went to his neighbor to borrow a monkey wrench, and then he (of course) went home and repaired his pipe. He thinks to himself, well, self, make sure you remember to return the wrench… Ah, I’ll do it tomorrow.

The next day, he thinks, ah, damn, I forgot to return the wrench! I’ll do it this afternoon.

The next day, he thinks, fuck! My neighbor is going to be so pissed! I gotta return this damn wrench!

The next day, he thinks, oh SHIT he is going to be mad as hell! Fuck! Ugh! Gotta return the wrench!

The next day, he grabs the wrench, storms over to his neighbor’s house, and bangs on the door. When the neighbor answers, he shoves the wrench at him and yells “HERE’S YOUR GODDAMNED MONKEY WRENCH!”

II.

A.

Saw this on Facebook, can’t stop laughing:

Ted Cruz:
One day more!
Another day another dip for me
This never ending road from Calgary
These men who seem to know my slime will not be fooled a second time,
One day more…

Rand Paul:
I did not poll until today
How can I live, now that I’ve started?

Ted Cruz:
One day more

Rand Paul + Carly Fiorina:
Tomorrow we’ll have dropped away,
And yet, by now we should have parted…

Jeb Bush:
One more day all on my own

Rand Paul + Carly Fiorina:
Will we ever run again?

Jeb Bush:
With the GOP not caring

Carly Fiorina:
I was here for Hillary!

Jeb Bush:
What a life I might have known…

Rand Paul:
Hope I still have Kentucky…

Jeb Bush:
Trump’s a bully, it’s not fair!

Marco Rubio:
One more day until the storm!

John Kasich:
Do I stay out on the road?

Marco Rubio:
At the caucuses for freedom

John Kasich:
For the battle in New Hampshire?

Marco Rubio:
But first, about Obamacare

John Kasich:
Do I fight my brothers there?

Marco Rubio:
It has destroyed America

Ted Cruz:
One day more!

Donald Trump:
One more day to Trumpolution
They will never have me stumped
We’ll be ready for those losers
They’re low energy; vote Trump!

Ted Cruz:
One day more!

Ben Carson + Mike Huckabee:
Lock our donors up
Give em all a call
Always worth a buck when it’s a free for all
Here a little speech
Half a million more
See you on the book tours that are coming up!

Republican primary voters:
One day to a new beginning
(Raise the flag of Iowa high!)
Every man will meet Steve King
(Every man will meet Steve King!)
There’s a candidate for freedom
(There can only be just one!)

All:
Do you hear the people sing?

Chris Christie:
My place is here
I fight for food!

Ted Cruz:
ONE DAY MORE!

Rand and Fiorina:
We did not run until today!

Jeb Bush:
One more day all on my own!

Rand and Fiorina:
How can we drop now that we’ve started?

Donald Trump:
I will be the people’s hero
They will turn out in the snow
I’m doing best in all the polls
They’ve got no shot and they all know

Ted Cruz:
One day more!

John Kasich:
Do I stay out on the road?

Jeb Bush:
What a life I might have known!

Rand and Fiorina:
By now we both should have departed

Donald Trump:
One more day to Trumpolution
They will never have me stumped
I’ll be ready for these losers

Ben Carson + Mike Huckabee:
Lock our donors up
Give em each a call
Always worth a buck when it’s a free for all

Ted Cruz:
Tomorrow is the caucus day
Tomorrow is the judgment day

All:
Tomorrow we’ll discover what our god Ron Reagan has in store!
One more dawn
One more day
One
Day
More!

Which reminded me of…

B.

There’s a gay(?) bar in the West Village called Marie’s Crisis. OK, it’s a gay bar, let’s be honest. Anyway, it’s a piano bar that does sing-along showtunes for the most part. Total hole in the wall, literally in a basement next to leaky sewer pipes, but the smell of spilled cocktails and BO from the poor ventilation manages to overpower that. And it’s a total blast.

The last time I was there (two years?), the piano guy was doing his last song before the next person came on, and decided to do One Day More, because of course he did. This being a gay showtunes bar in the West Village, almost everybody in it either had Les Miz memorized or had been involved in a performance of it, or both. So the entire bar starts singing along, including choreography and three-part harmony. It was so. cool. There were even people miming waving a revolutionary flag at the end.

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